please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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