we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
