also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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