If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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