I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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