its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
