Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
