Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Randomize
