i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
