every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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