I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
