so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
