I'm drive I can fine osifer
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
