If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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