My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
