first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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