There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
