I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
pray to the hookup gods
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
