I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
