he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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