Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
