nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
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