Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
