someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
organizing the empties. That sober.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
