fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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