oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
