Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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