i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
