shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
