the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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