glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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