Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
