At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
They have beer where we have blood.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
