one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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