my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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