Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
