So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
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