I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize