Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
