I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
