4 words: hood of his car
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Is it because I queefed?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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