Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
