winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
