Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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