I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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