I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
When are your genitals available?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
