I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
