Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
