"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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