I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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