Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
