My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
