remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize