so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
