wanna go halves on a baby?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize