What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
