just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
