Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
me + whiskey = a bad person
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
