2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
