I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
