She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
